I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky girl typically. My optimism is too much sometimes it's annoying even to me. But with that, i feel as though I have to wear a mask. I'm not the kind of person who likes to go to people, admit I'm hurting, and just cry. I'm going to be real. This past week and a half has been hard. I feel so emotionally drained and I feel as though God keeps telling me to just go with the flow and He keeps opening doors and opportunities for me to grow up. I've taken some and messed up on others. Yet I still feel as though it's not enough. As though my good enough isn't good enough. As though I am here, trying my best to love, grow up, and just be, the ability and motivation to be any of those things I just keep just messing up. I know, what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger and every opportunity I'm given in this life is a change to either grow or be stubborn and stay still. The thing is, it's not that I don't know that my hurt will be turned into beauty and that God's love is the only one that will ever fill that need for someone (friend, family, co-worker, teammate, whatever!) because I KNOW that. i know that better than i know anything else. and i know God is with me EVERY step of the way whether i feel Him or not. whether I want to trust Him or even love Him at that! What frustrates me is feeling as though I can't hurt or be angry at God without feeling like I'd be letting someone down because I'm not being a good example. I'm trying so hard to keep a good image so no one has anything to use against me, but no matter how hard I try to be perfect, someone always finds the smallest, stupidest thing to call me out on and it makes me fall back down to the pit I try so hard to stay away from. I hate feeling like the world is on my shoulders because i feel as though i can't speak or vent or ANYTHING without a lesson! I don't need lessons!!!! I need Jesus! I need love! true Christ love! I'm not going to lie, God is putting people in my life, (and if you're reading this you're probably one of them) that i don't know well at all, but they show me Christ's love each and every sunday morning by looking at me, hugging me, and smiling at me. Our Pastor at Celebration, Matt Brent, mentioned this past Sunday that the one thing he NEVER wants Celebration to loose is it's friendliness, and I completely agree! It makes even the extroverted, happy-go-lucky, hyperactive people like me feel so humbled and accepted. I also have some of the most incredible people in my life that i really should trust more than I do. Thank you for proving my heart wrong. I know you care about me and I know you won't let me down like I think you are. Thank you for being patient with me and caring enough to teach me how to be like Christ. I Love God very much. But I have been struggling lately and I know I'll be okay. I honestly don't have anything else to say.
"Why you gotta act be so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you tellin me that nothin's wrong
It's obvious your not in a good place
Who's tellin you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verse by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
And a sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
Just cry
It doesn't mean you don't trust him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redemming everything
You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
But tonight it's alright
Just cry
Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Just Cry by Mandisa
I think I'll be crying tonight, a cry of freedom and redemption, not a cry of defeat and depression. Jesus has me, I just felt like being real. Thank you for reading <3
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